In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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