look no pants
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
