Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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