life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
