I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
She needs sedatives and a leash
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
