Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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