On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
