Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
