Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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