Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
