My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
