i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize