even my farts smell like vagina
my being single is dangerous.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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