i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
