OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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