Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just high enough for therapy.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
