if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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