i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
