i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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