the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Bring me that man meat
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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