I think I won the penis lottery.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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