I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
