My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
