we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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