I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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