I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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