Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I think im going to throw up on grandma
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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