Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
