Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
