I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
