Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
