My sheets look like a crime scene.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
