there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
