I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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