Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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