Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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