So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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