I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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