The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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