and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
