I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
