Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize