I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
