dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
