from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
