i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
