Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
