Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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