Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
