I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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