I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
