I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
cat food counts as protein by the way
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
