Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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