I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
