Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
