I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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