there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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