the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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