I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
