apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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