So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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