You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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