The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize