Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
