remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
